I am trying to get divorced, but I really feel like I blew it today. I'm embarrassed about the whole thing. I wish I could have today back and do things differently. For my divorce, we all get together periodically with our lawyers and make decisions on various things, like the financial settlement and parenting plan. Sometimes the financial person is with us, sometimes other people, depending on what we are working on. We are getting very close to the end of the financial settlement. My lawyer and I had hoped we might finish today.

Anyway, at this meeting, I freaked out and did not behave well. I felt my H was trying to get out of something we'd already agreed upon, and I became very distrustful and defensive. I have a lot to distrust him for from the past, so the warning bells went off in my head, and I overreacted. I got upset. Then his lawyer said something that upset me and I reacted badly to that too and told him off. Twice. And I was rude to our financial person and interrupted him and wouldn't let him say his piece. Someone had to reprimand me and basically tell me to be quiet. I just couldn't understand what the finance guy was saying about various calculations as I was not thinking clearly, and not understanding made me feel really insecure and added to this feeling that they were trying to pull a fast one on me (paranoia setting in). And then I started crying when they said I had to meet again next week not once, but twice. Once is OK, but my boss is getting so mad at me for taking time off for legal meetings, and has spoken to me about this a couple of times recently. I vowed to do better and told her I would take off for no more than one a week (I always make up time but she wants me there during regular hours as our jobs are highly collaborative). I feel awful about that and worry about losing my job or getting a bad recommendation. And at today's meeting when they said I needed to have two meetings to move things along, I felt caught in a conflict and started crying. I was just so stressed out. My lawyer said to make things easier, she would meet with me in the evening, but I had something scheduled every evening for the next week except for tonight. They all just thought I was being difficult. The only evening appointment I could cancel was this Thursday when some of my friends are taking me out for my birthday, and I didn't want to cancel that. I feel like I need some "me time" too.

So we didn't settle today and instead I freaked out. My H said some stuff that totally took me by surprise and that's why I got really defensive. I think if I had known his plan beforehand, I could have mentally prepared for it better, but I didn't, so I felt like he was trying to hoodwink me. It made me feel like the time, several years ago, when he tried to make a major investment with a lot of our cash and only told me at the very end of the deal what it was all about only because he needed my signature. I refused, which did not make him happy. Same thing today. At the end he was seeming to renege on something we have already reached agreement on. I think he was just reacting that way because of my own reaction. But it upset me even more. I insisted I could not stay late past our allotted time, and that is unusual as we often run late, but I had another meeting for work right after. So as I was getting up to go and leaving them all there, my H was saying this stuff out of the blue that we are somehow supposed to resolve in 1 minute? So I said good-bye and left (hopefully I didn't stomp out).

I am not feeling any better about this tonight. I wish it had never happened. I feel like I lost control in front of all these people and I am really embarrassed about that. I do want to get this divorce over with, but instead it seems I am perceived to be throwing stumbling blocks in our way.

Why I ever thought I could do this is beyond me.