I'm probably going to get in trouble for this topic. I didn't put up a trigger icon, but I don't even know what triggering material is. I just know that I get angry when I think about how STUPID these two people can be and then try to tell me that their behavior is acceptable.

My ex laughs and says the kids deserve to be hit. He says I should understand that his girlfriend is allowed to make at least one mistake. "Everyone makes mistakes" NO, not when her "mistakes" involve alcohol and my children. NO, I WILL NOT UNDERSTAND.

He fought to make sure I got no more than 50% of the time with my kids, but since day one he's given them up to me extra days in order to socialize - bowling nights, fishing trips. Only once did he ever give me any money to cover their expenses during the days and nights that they weren't with him during his scheduled visitation. When I say I refuse to be his on-call, unpaid babysitter, he just shrugs his shoulders, says he doesn't have any money on him or his checkbook, and then proceeds to go bowling. He went on a five day business trip and I told him how much food and miscellaenous expenses would cost and I managed to get $50 out of him.

The kids come here every day after summer school from noon until about 6:00. They want to go buy snacks and drinks, go swimming at the community center, go bowling, play video games, etc. Once in three years he gave them $5. I've had to cover everything else, even when it's his scheduled week and if they weren't with me he'd be the one responsible for their needs.

He complains that the kids need new clothes and shoes too often and he can't afford it. But he had no problems buying an impounded car to turn into a race car. Spent a few thousand dollars on that and it's been sitting in pieces in the garage for two years, still no race car. He had no problems covering a $1000 drunk driving fine. He had no problems buying a $3000 engagement ring for a girlfriend that's since been dumped. (How do I know all this? He tells me. I don't pry it out of him. HE WILLINGLY TELLS ME. And then he gets mad and says he doesn't like me knowing so much about his private life. He did the same thing when he bragged about dating 5 different women of different ages, all named Wendy, and that he had one woman stalking him and calling up at 3:00 in the morning drunk, and scaring the kids. He brought her home after talking to her for just a couple of hours in the bar and he swears he didn't give her his number).

So if he has NO PROBLEM coming up with money for things he deems worthy, why do I feel guilty for trying to get child support so my kids don't have to live in a house with leaky windows and doors, a faulty wiring system, and inadequate heating?

God, I sound like I'm some loser half-homeless case or something, but I earn about $35,000 a year (but self employment taxes suck), I have a dependable car, I bargain shop till I'm ready to puke just so my kids can have 1 or 2 status items of clothing to spice up their wardrobe. On the surface, we look like your average middle-class family. On the inside I'm constantly stressed about how I'm going to continue to raise two teenagers on income that's barely covering everything now.

On the days I get panicky, I can't even take time off to breathe and slow down and regroup. I have to keep pushing through and working because I live paycheck to paycheck and get paid on production. If my fingers aren't typing medical reports, I'm not getting paid. I don't get vacation days or sick days or anything. If I want a raise, I just have to work harder - no built-in cost of living raises every year.

And still I feel guilty for asking for child support because the money that will come to my house will be taken away from his house, so either way the kids will have to struggle. But DAMN IT I've struggled for four years needlessly because he manipulated me and I was too weak to fight back with the legal system. Now I feel weak for fighting, like I should be stronger and not need his support and just continue on the way things are.