I'm trying SO hard today just to make it. I've told myself all day that everything is going to work out and be OK. But, I'm just not feeling it at all. It's been a struggle for it seems like an eternity. And today has been especially hard. I don't even know if I'm going to be here to see another year, and that thought keeps running through my head.

What am I supposed to do?? How do I stay strong through this? I can only tell myself so many times that I'm going to be ok and make my mind believe it. Everyone around me is worried... it shows on their faces and in the way they talk to me. They try not to show it, but it's there. They tell me "you're gonna make it through this." But then I see the worry on their faces.

How can I continue to be strong for myself? It feels like I am smothering. I can't breathe. I haven't done anything today. It was a struggle to even go get my kids from school and go to the store.

Maybe nobody knows what to tell me. Maybe I shouldn't be pushing my burdens off on anyone else. Maybe all this is normal...maybe it's not. All these maybe's. I just don't know what to think anymore.

I know I can't give up. I can't just throw in the towel and say I'm done. I have 3 kids to think about. And that's what scares me the most. Imagining them living without me. It's crushing me. Literally ripping me apart. I just want to live life and be here for them.

Suddenly all the money in the world and all the material pleasures life has to offer don't even appeal to me anymore. That's not important. Just being here and living is all I want. Nothing more. Is that too much to ask for? Is it?

I'm trying to hold strong to my faith. I feel like it's the only thing I have right now. Today has just been so incrediably hard. I'm sorry this is so long. I had to get it out somewhere. I'm trying not to let this win... I'm not the type to give in or give up. I just need some reassurance today, I guess. Just someone to say they care... I don't know..I don't want to ask for too much.