This is my first post on a forum here so i'll just give you some background about me and my depression, so here it goes...

From what I can remember, my depression first started when I was very young, probably around jr. high. I was a little over weight and I didn't fit in with the popular girls. I felt inferior to them and nervous around them. I have always had a self-esteem issue.
When I got to high school things started out okay then quickly plummeted, my older brother was always the straight A student and became a popular athlete so I felt like he was the favorite in the family. It made me feel like nothing I did was ever good enough. I was in sports and I was decent but that didn't matter, it wasn't good enough, ever.

Looking back is difficult for me, I have hard time recalling what happened, I have the tendency to block out the parts of my life that gave me any kind discomfort, but I'll keep trying...

My first year of high school I played softball and played pretty well, a starter on third base on an undefeated team, but at the same time I never felt like part of the team, the other girls were all friends and I was often in the background, watching, wishing I was like them.
So I quit sports my sophomore year and got a job instead. My last 2 years of high school were the worst, my grades started to slip and my depression became a daily occurrence. But I was still sane, I found things to keep me busy like working and driving here doing this and that, those things kept my mind off my problems.
After High school, i continued to work at the gym, being a personal trainer and then later at another gym as a personal training sales manager, which i succeeded in and was promoted. I couldn't take the stress and demand of the company so one day I broke and quit. I decided i would do something I could be proud of and prepared for, I was accepted to a design school in chicago. Everything seemed to be looking up in life. Everything was going so well that it struck me as odd, very odd. So I got an apartment on the north side of the city with my boyfriend and got a kitten. Things were great!! (for a short time...) as soon as we moved in I was homesick and depressed more than ever, but I thought I would just get over it as soon as i got used to things, well I thought wrong. It's funny... A place that I wanted to get out of so bad is the place I miss so much. I feel trapped, isolated from the world. I'm in a place with so many people and so much to do but when you're alone and don't know where to go and what to do, it's hard to leave my apartment. Besides the grocery store and school. I feel so alone. On top of things, I don't have any close knit friends that I can call for support, or to come visit. I pace and cry for no reason, more than usual. I don't know how much longer I can take this.

Another thing that could have some kind of affect could be that I never really had a mother figure to be a mentor. She was there, physically, but she was always working or sick and we never did much together. It's hard not to blame her a little, but I can't because I know she just did what she had to do, and I respect her for that. But maybe things would have been different if we had a stronger relationship.
I have big problems in talking about my problems, and if I even try to come up with some words to explain to someone i start to cry.
On the bus I think about how alone and unhappy I am, and there the tears go... I cant find anything that makes me happy. I don't even like to workout anymore, i used to lift weights everyday!! and now i have no interest!! I feel empty and that I'm letting myself go and I'm letting this disease beat me!!! All I want is to be normal, to find happiness in something. I hope one day i can find it.

Sorry so long. Thanks for listening. <3