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Thank you for sharing part of your story. My story is different but I can so relate to feeling like I never fit in and to the ever present loneliness.
You didn't mention any counseling or medication. I've dealt with depression all my adult life and counseling and at different times medication was vital. I would have been lost without it. Even after more than 40 years of living with depression I know the signs that point to getting help. I can manage it mostly on my own now but when the dark helplessness creeps in for more than a few weeks it's time to get help. Part of my depression is chemical. My brain doesn't produce any of those 'feel good' chemicals so sometimes it needs help.
The other factor in my depression is my thoughts. I used to live and make choices based on so many faulty beliefs about myself, others and the world. I couldn't see anything good about myself, I was unable to trust anyone, always expecting them to hurt me and then leave, and early in life I came to believe I had to take care of myself. So I had this wall up and wouldn't let anyone in. I wanted people yet wouldn't let them in.
Guess what I'm getting at is this; I can't just wake up and will my depression away, I need help sometimes and I need to examine my thoughts, beliefs and attitudes to see how they are feeding my depression. I had several great counselors to help me sort it all out.
I hope coming here and sharing will be beneficial for you. You are not alone and the folks here are caring and there is wisdom to be found when we all share our journeys.
Judy
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However confused the scene of our life appears, however torn we may be who now do face that scene, it can be faced, and we can go on to be whole.
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