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Hi to all,
I知 to this board I知 not even sure where to post as I seem to fit in several areas.
I will give a brief history I was sexually abused as child by my stepfather from age 8-10 this is a person who I knew to be one of the many fathers and strangers in my life. My memories of my mom are very painful I will try to get this out without tears it is hard to admit. When I told my mom she blamed me and he fled to another state long story short I have lived with this feeling of guilt my mom and I had never discussed this it is if it never happened I felt as though she was not strong enough to handle it so I kept it to myself through the past couple of years I have found myself feeling guilty for having a great husband and a great life something I feel I took from my mom. She would always talk about how much she loved this person and he was the only one I would listen in silence. One day my mom made the mistake of telling my husband about how much she loved this guy and he had told her how I felt that she would not be able to handle me talking to her and to never bring his name up again to him or me. Torn between thinking wow my husband is protecting me to wow what must she be feeling. Well I chose not to not talk with her about this issue I would rather keep the pain then pass it. I知 very sad to say that my mom passed away 1 year ago I was once again torn with guilt of relief and the true sadness of loosing my mom I then became angry that she has still won I still carry the pain of her loss and my abuse.
My husband is convinced this has affected my life I don稚 see it. When I fall I pick myself up I have always thought of myself as a strong person I needed nobody when really I did. My grandfather bless his loving giving heart passed away in the same month as my mom wow. My mom became very ill and I took her into my home and nursed her while working full time and taking care of my husband in spite of what my husband thought of her as a person I still loved my mother. She chose to go home to my dismay I knew should would die because nobody would take care and watch her the way I did this was a very painful decision for me it was almost like letting go. 2 weeks after going home she passed again I知 torn with letting her go blaming myself dam her for winning again. So at this point I have pretty much gone through many life changes during the pass of my mom and grandfather I lost a job I had been at for ten years. I知 currently in treatment with a Psychiatrists every 2 weeks trying to figure out this mess I feel I have created. I started a new job 2 years ago that is very stressful I think this is what broke me. I thought I could handle the pain of the world I see I can稚 but I知 still trying.
Due to this stress I have been recently diagnosed with psoriasis I知 not sure if anyone is familiar with this but it has taken a great toll on me emotionally and physically I finally admit I am broken I just don稚 know why? Thank you for allowing me to share
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