I have accepted as much treatment as is possible.. I just.. Feel like I'd be telling my psych that she's doing a really crap job, if I ask to see someone else instead.. It may sound stupid, but I'm scared of upsetting her..

I feel liek if I say no, they'll get mad at me, therefore I'll get upset by it.. So it's not really being kind is it? I know it's keeping me out of trouble.. i guess I've just got to let them carry on being mad and learn from their stupid mistakes.. Instead of taking it to heart.. But I'm just so very sensitive and they know that..

I guess it's my boyfriend not understanding that overwhelms me the most.. But.. I have tried and concentrated so hard and put so much energy into trying to help him understand and help.. But.. It's done nothing.. He just doesn't think, he uses his natural reaction, doesn't think about how it'd just make me feel worse so cut again to punish myself, and then he gets mad again at that and it just goes in a vicious circle like that.. I understand.. I mean yesterday and last night, he was drunk.. He has an alcohol problem. He's not exactly an alcoholic, but he just has trouble knowing when to stop.. He was drunk, but wanted to drink until e couldn't see and was feeling low because he couldn't have anymore to drink.. So I gave him the advice that I use (but with day instead of hour) and that is to take it and hour at a time and think how big an achievement that is and keep setting yourself that target.. I wish he could understand that it is the same as my problem.. I just have to set bigger targets.. Longer amounts of time.. So, he was drunk and had the cheek to complain at how alone and crappy he felt. Now, at this point, I couldn't tell that he was drunk, I just thought he was tired.. Then, I listened more intently after he started to get more emotional and more.. well.. Like me.. Depressive.. That was when I knew he was drunk. I asked him and he wouldn't tell me, he said "what do you think?" I said. "you are aren't you?" "I have been since i first called you"

See, I didn't notice because he wasn't talking much.. But then he started getting emotional and straight away, I snapped into "super-helpy-person" mode and asked what was wrong etc etc. When I realised he was drunk, he said "aren't you mad?" "No, it wouldn't help.." "wouldn't it?" "NMo, because you're drunk now, you'll feel like **** because you know you've made me angry, you'll wake up in the morning, remember it and feel really s**t for it. Just liek me and my self harm THAT'S why it doesn't help. THAT'S why I'm not getting mad. I'm just disappointed.." "ok."

That was it. It upset me to know that he'd not even tried. Not one tiny attemp to stop himself.. That was it. I left it after that and he went to sleep.

Today, I forgot about it and did the health and wellbeing launch, I sang, played tennis on the wii, did some aromatherapy, went on the dance mats, did aerobics, dance and yoga, all one after the other. Now, I'm knackered. Especially on an empty stomach, that wasn't helpful, but.. I feel achey and tired, but the yoga really helped to relax me a little and I got into such a nice zone.. But Now, back to the real world.. I'm supposed to be going to Connor's this weekend, last night HE got annoyed with ME because I asked when I was going over there, because HE hadn't found out, so he got mad at ME for HIS mistake. THAT is what kills me. So, if I am to be going to his tonight, I have to meet his dad at 5:30. So another.. Hour and 3/4. That's no time whatsoever!! He's not online, hasn't called me, or sent a text, or an email, or anything. So, when I finally know, he's not getting off lightly because he thinks he can just walk all over me and not let me know things, get mad at me for his stupid mistakes and me just to say "Oh sorry baby, I'll do anything to make it up to you, I'll do everything for you." That's what I normally do. but NO!! I'm f***ing fed up! Fed up of being walked all over! I could rant all day, I really could.

*sigh* THAT is what makes me feel like there's no point.