thank you all

i know i should feel like i belong but i honestly have trouble feeling like that- i have no sense of being an integral part of anything or being needed, i feel like i am just "here" and if i went away things would be no worse. it's hard to put words to feelings right now. things are hurting and strange

i appreciate everyone's kindness but i feel like the burden i impose on people is greater than whatever help i give. i've been unwelcome in so many places that it's hard to feel accepted, i guess. i should have gotten used to feeling like i don't belong a long time ago.

and seeing kids get dressed up for halloween, making me think of vlad and how he should be here, life is unfair and i should be the one who is gone - he accepted me without condition and he meant so much to me, the hollow space left in me is filling with such pain today, i didn't think i would be bothered this much by today, in fact, i didn't realize it would bother me at all