Broken, hello and welcome!

There's been direct and honest replies to your post. You may not want to hear them right now, but they are what you need to hear--actually, I think you have already thought about some of them, but denial numbs the hurt for awhile.

Night is right about not letting them live in your head rent free.
You owe them nothing, nothing.
You do owe yourself peace of mind, hope, and self love. i sincerely hope, along with the hard work you are willing to do, that your psychiatrist will be of great help to you.
The key word is "help." He can guide you, advise you, stand by you...
but you have to be willing to listen, learn, and let go.

Cap
also a survivor of childhood trauma