ncguynva, I agree with Capp, there is no apology necessary or needed in any way. That sounds like such a horrible situation to be in *hugs*
Cheating is just a horrible thing... I don't think I ever could. I'm so sorry it has happened to you.
And I hope I'm not loosing so much of myself, and I wish you well in everything that happens. It must be hard even being so far away.

Cap - you're probably right that I'm being too hard on myself. Nothing of what you said offends me in any way. I needed to hear what you had to say There HAVE been times I have been hurt by some of his actions (he never meant to hurt but it can happen), and I do end up feeling bad for that and blaming myself. It's part of the beast, I suppose. I put so much guilt on myself that it's only natural for that to come into a relationship, where it should instead be about trust, understanding, and genuinely caring about the other person. I guess I do most of that - sometimes I clam up too much, sometimes because of the depression I try to get away or hurt him. I guess, I try as much as I can and that's what I can do.

MentalPollution, it does feel like sometimes he's keeping not only the relationship afloat but ME afloat... like he's something to hold onto in the middle of a tornado. I hope I can do the same for him sometime.

everyone, I'm going to try to keep going... and try to take of the relationship as best I can. the thing going for us is our honesty. I'll keep talking to him, and try not to hurt him. And when I do, I can talk to him about it. He understands. I guess right now, I have to try to take care of me so that I can take care of other things - like the relationship, him, my friends. Someone send me a lifeboat!
Thanks everyone
What everyone has said means a lot to me