The hardest thing in the world right now for you is to realize he isn't yours anymore. That feeling feels worse than anything you can imagine right now. The John that you want, you have--in your memories. You don't want the John that has lied to you, that has hurt you, that left you. You miss the connection, the talking, the hugging; I'm betting you're missing the friendship quality more than anything, and that's hard to get over. It is a grieving process. It's realizing that he was not the one meant to be in your life right now. Next year, who knows? But right now, you are not meant to be with him. Please look very closely at how he has acted and ask yourself if it truly doesn't matter that he has done this. I'll bet it does matter. Why? Because YOU matter. You are doing a lot of the right things to help retire this grief to its proper place but have you taken your meds yet? You know staying busy is the best fix for a mind that is dwelling on pain. Write a story, draw, paint, learn a new craft, bake a new dessert. You're taking such huge, huges steps on your path to healing. Take a break from the pain and love yourself. Spoil yourself. You deserve it. You deserve happiness. You will get happiness.