(((((((((((((((( LostAngel)))))))))))))))

Your story brought me to tears, it really did! Lost families are one thing I can finally really relate to....and I am sorry for your losses......then there's the ultimate "BUT",,....

I come from a totally "Grade A: Dysfunctional family" There wasn't the tiniest thing even somewhat "normal" about my family. From Day 1...it was fights 24/7; beatings; my brothers getting me drunk/high/dropping acid in my KoolAid; sexual abuse; yelling; everyone eventually getting caught into the juvenile court system including me...by age 15 (and I was late!) Our family was slaughtered all over the state in different types of institutions.....I was introverted, rebellious...man, I was angry & extremely sad & I had no one to "open up to" w/o them stabbing me in the back somehow. Then the family starting falling apart in the worst ways....suicide...my favorite brother splattered himself against the wall 3 days before Xmas when he was 18. I just withdrew more; everyone refused to talk honestly about it. It was always "snap out of it"!!! "Get over it!" Every week the mail would bring misc. letters from misc family members with just more bad news to add to the growing fire of miscommunication; more arrests; address changes.....It got to the point where I referred to my Mother as "W*** Central" because she was always in contact w/ everyone's business; we all spent too many years drinking; beating; withdrawing from life and each other more...year after year...then we became "adults"....not a lot changed (I am the only girl & youngest) I was the one who went into the Army to go into psych nursing; I wanted things to change. Other people who even talking casually about their "o.k. famillies" brought me to tears of sadness....and bitterness. So, everyone kept drugging and drinking and talking behind each others backs...until I almost died (several dozen times in ICU on life support) My family "tried to come together" and w/ the help of internet/e-mail we finally tried to "bond"...and then we lost another brother,just last April as a matter of fact....died while taking a nap d/t complications from when he tried to blow himself away a few months earlier.(shotgun/suicide)

Hey folks, you notice how long I went w/o any smilies???

It's b/c there's the ultimate BUT I mentioned, remember? Here's my BUT...I have 2 brothers left, the youngest next to me & the oldest. The oldest, we have grown away from many disputes never resolved (His sexual abuse against me) The "youngest" has Hep C, won't quit drinking (so it'll kill him real soon) AND he refuses to go to "chemo" b/c "he doesn't want to lose his long hair." And for my parents...we've agreed to disagree & go on........

SO, Either I could say "This is why I'm sad & will never get better" & just say OR
I could turn around & spew out all those years of bitterness and introverted self-pity....and do unto others what I was not able to do for my family.......that means you guys! And the outside world That's why I stay w/ psych whether in a professional sense....or thru these forums/or my website group. I seen and felt too much hurt & then spent too many years doing nothing but sit & feel bad.

You have a choice, ((lostangel))) and others....me/////I have my weeks....I still have a Major Depressive Disorder that will chemically cause me to have episodes of deep depression, but I have the choice to stay alive physically AND mentally...or I can drown in the pool with so many other "lost souls" (they HAD a choice before drowning, too)

SO.........what's my point? Think about it for awhile..get back to me, because right now I may say something I regret later......there is another choice ALWAYS.......Those content w/ misery will die there.....I'm just trying to get thru every day like everybody else! I've kinda made some really "positive connections" w/ some people around the forums....I've cried, I've helped...I hope!

(((Think, Lost Angel.....DAYZEE9))))))))))w/