Ok, I'm going to try now...

I am being haunted by the ghosts of the bad people...I don't like to call them my abusers, because only one of them ever hit me, but they all kept me locked up in caged of guilt, fear and manipulation. And so much lately is bringing the bad people back into my mind.

"I know you did this because..." The bad people always told me they knew my motives, and no matter how much I tried to tell them the truth, they didn't believe me. They couldn't ever acknowledge that my motivation might cast the actions in a different light...everything I did had to be done for a selfish reason.

"you are thinking only of yourself...you are not considering the feelings of others" The bad people loved to call me selfish and self-centered. They never told me what they felt or expected...I was expected to know, and was scolded when I guessed incorrectly. If I tried to consider people other than the bad people, I was accused of selfishness, so I was always afraid for the feelings of others around me.

The bad people hurt me over and over again, and when I tried to protect myself, they accused me of hurting them.

The bad people lied, but said that I was the one who lied. If I tried to tell anyone about the lies, I was accused of being petty and mean.

The bad people told me my instincts were flawed, but when I learned that my instincts were correct after all, the bad people would tell me that I had no right to feel the way I felt anyway.

The bad people were experts at telling me exactly what I said and when, but only pointed out things that looked wrong. I don't have total recall, so the bad people would say that they never said anything bad to me, because I couldn't give them exact words and times.

Anyone who believed me became an enemy of the bad people, so I became afraid to talk to anyone, to ask for help.

The bad people made me afraid to do anything, to say anything. Every step I took was like walking in a mine field, because I never knew what the bad people would decide was wrong.

I can't get the flashbacks of the bad people to stop...I am so afraid. I am afraid even of saying this, because the bad people want to isolate me from my support system.

Why are the bad people back in my head?