thanks everyone.

physically i'm healing well, except for the pain- emotionally i just feel deformed, scarred and unlovable. things are very muddled. i took my psych meds today (another accomplishment, i guess).

with pain meds, i grew up learning that if i couldn't endure pain then i didn't deserve to live through it. when i was stupid and made mistakes, people used to say that pain and suffering would be my teacher. i have substance abuse issues with painkillers as it is and i try to avoid taking them now for that reason too (complex feelings with pain meds) but i shouldn't need them.

my half-brother used to tell me if i fell in a hole i should never accept a rope, i should climb out by myself. if i couldn't, then i deserved to be in the hole. my T always tells me i have to ignore those old "rules" but it's hard, they're engraved in my mind. i guess i'm stubborn in bad ways.

i see it as acceptable for everyone else to need help but me. i guess it was my upbringing but i feel like i shouldn't need help. i was told i should never need help.

but to bring back a positive point- i did take my psych meds today, i went to therapy (even though it's making me feel scared) and evan said his first word.

i feel bad for updating this, i'm not nearly as helpful to others as you are all to me.