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Simcha · Nov 03, 2008 at 09:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DavidStrong

As a socially anxious person, I often go to craigslist personals if I'm interested in making contact with a woman. It's fairly easy and is low risk. I've done this before, and dated a women I met there for some time.

So I posted recently and have been communicating with this women. I have not met her, but she seems interesting. Someone whom I would like to meet at least. However, she is quite a bit more attractive that myself. It really worries me. I'm short and at best, average looking. Inside, and in my actions, I've always believed in myself. But I have always loathed this shell I'm trapped in. I suffered a lot because of it growing up.

Ugh, so this obviously bothers me a lot. It's hard, especially when you are short. I often equate it to breast size. There's nothing they can do about it, and yet it's going to be something that men judge them on. ...perhaps that's why I've always liked small-chested women...

Often women say stuff like, "looks aren't important to me." However, research on attraction has demonstrated, as common sense suggests, that physical attractiveness often is the only thing that predicts willingness future contact (Hatfield, Aronson, Abrahams, & Rottman; 1966).

So what to do about it? How can you get the insides out, yet keep the outsides from getting in the way?

Hey David

Physical attraction is in the eye of the beholder. You probably are like most people who fight with self esteem issues (as we all do from time to time, myself included), in that you aren't giving yourself credit where it is due. You are likely paying too much attention to some self-perceived "flaw"---except that it's all in your head, and not a flaw at all. The zit can become the focal point, so to speak, where you ignore all of your good attributes that you bring to the table. You need to focus more on what you like about yourself--physical attraction is very superficial for most women, in that it cannot sustain itself for any length of time that would qualify for a real relationship.

Make sure you are paying attention to how you view yourself, as self confidence comes from within, not from a certain look. It's in the way that you carry yourself, and the interest and effort you put toward pleasing your lady interest. The more you like a certain lady and the more you are interested in learning about her, the more she is attractive to you. Physical attraction doesn't register the exact same from person to person. It isn't from male models and movie stars who are 6 foot 4 inches. As long as you are focusing on only your self-perceived deficits and not on your attributes, the more negative your self-image becomes. What you believe is what you are.

Someone here said it right when they said to enjoy your time with your lady interest. Women want to be cherished and respected; you cannot show this by focusing on your self perceived "flaws." Most women would agree that there is more to a man than height alone; how you take care of yourself matters (so don't be a slob, women hate that), but nothing overshadows the way you show the lady you are interested in her and respect her. Really practice listening skills--don't just wait for the lady to finish speaking so that you can throw your two cents in as most of us do (I've had to work on that one with this happy go lucky ADHD I have going on here). ALWAYS call the lady the next day if you feel you hit it on with her on your date, and DON'T take her to bed (or you could end up with some crazed husband she didn't tell you about or whatever).

You could always work on your self esteem by joining a martial arts program like Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. I did martial arts for YEARS and it really helps in that department (plus, lots more girls than you think

. What you might think is SHORT and AVERAGE looking might look like a hot prospect for a future relationship. Trust me that no lady worth a damn is going to go for someone they think is a loser. I read somewhere that ladies make their decision if there is to be a second date somewhere within few hours. If you think you are a loser, then you will project that and she will pick it up. Women are far more intuitive than we are. They can also pick up cockyness REALLY QUICK, and that turns them off immediately; so... the confidence must be sincere or it isn't going to work.

Maybe work on yourself a little bit... boost your self esteem and physical/emotional health (because they are connected) before you go looking for the next Mrs. DavidStrong. Changes don't usually happen overnight so don't be hard on yourself. Look into psychotherapy... at my university campus we have at least one therapist whose focus is on men-oriented issues. I'm sure there is at least one in your area. Take care.