Thank you AG, I love the support. And I thank Angie and Emmy too.

I'm still riding the rollercoaster, however, due to some chemical assistance the ride has slowed a bit and the ups, downs, twists and turns aren't quite so ferocious. Now I'm contending with the side-effects of these blasted pills and I wonder if it's really worth it??? I feel so removed from myself and my life. It's like standing outside myself saying "who's life is this?" Everything becomes unfamiliar, including articulating my thoughts and moving my fingers across the keyboard. I don't know, it all somehow seems abstract or something. More affirmation as to why I choose to be med-free. I don't know why this particlar cycle has been so mean and viscious. I don't know why the depression played a much bigger role than usual or why anxiety is eating me alive. Day to day life, minute to minute life is so laborious for me right now. I'm praying with all my heart, all my soul and with all my strength that this beast of a cycle will end soon...like right now!
On the upside, being "outside" myself has allowed me to do some reflecting on the world I've created for myself, the type of person I am, the choices I've made and how I would like to make some different choices. For example, I moved into my apt. 3 months ago and I still haven't unpacked my boxes. Not because I'm lazy or because I'm procrastinating, but because I've never felt "at home" anywhere, I've not stayed in any one place for very long. So why should this time be any different? I've lived like a nomad for so long I don't know how not to. So why do I do this? Most likely it's me trying to run from myself, my past, my bad choices and those icky feelings I get inside. I also see that I have committment issues, to commit to stay in any one place for long is uncomfortable for me, it feels unrealistic or something. Inside I don't believe it's possible for me to feel totally comfortable anywhere (except when I'm hiding under the covers, literally). I know that many of you might be thinking what's the big deal, just unpack! In fact I say the same thing to myself. And yet I can't bring myself to do it. I once had to leave all belongings in a storage facility, I never went back to get it. I walked away from everything...clothes, CD's, movies, pictures, journals, books, furniture, kitchen stuff...everything.
I'm still trying to recover from that stupid choice because now I have to replace everything. It's been 3 years now since I screwed myself with this very bad choice and I'm full of regret that I will never get some of those things back that are irreplacable.

Anyway, sorry for the barrage of my insanity. It just feels good to be focusing my thoughts and articulating them, somewhat anyway.
TgrsPurr