Thanks all. The longing is painful. I just love him so much, it hurts. I was thinking about "the mother longing" and I realized something today. If I accept the relationship with T as real and in the now, I don't have to hurt the same way I did as a child when I needed my mom and she wasn't there.

Whew. The thing is it still hurts, but this hurt is different and although painful, it's not damaging because T IS there, whenever I need him. Wow.