I remember a similar conversation with my T and I was saying I was the common denominator in my own misery. Well, Hello. It's my life so i guess in a way. But what I meant was "Do I deserve to be punished?" Her answer was, "When that thought comes up I want you to notice it, that needs to be a red flag to you, lets do some remapping of your brain, do I think you deserve to be happy and have the things you want in life? absolutely." Change is a process, don't give up before the miracle, I just might need your help in the next hour. Love to you