Every day is becoming a montonous chore--and I'm finding it hard to break the routine. I have no female companion in life (mostly through lack of trying and my hatred towards the desired type of female). I feel inadequate, not up to par, and I have a weird thing where I feel that I'm powerless to control my brain; the awareness that things are predetermined and my actions are preprogrammed in a sense (I've struggled with this concept in the past).

I feel like things could be so, so much easier. I struggle in vain each day to organize everything--to get conditions perfect, and I suppose that this perfectionism is the death of me, but it feels absolutely necessary...an essential.

But anyways, I'm slipping more and more into depression--a deep, dark depression unlike that that I've felt in the past. This feels palpable; feels real. The awareness that hope for myself will be so slim, given my circumstances, given the already cynical nature of society, and given my own expectations (which must be achieved, or else I feel deeply inadequate).

Need a helping hand. I've been through God knows how many therapists, am constantly switching medications to no avail, and online forums seem unable to help me. On top of all of this I'm an atheist, so the depression keeps ramping up. You would think with all of my self-awareness and into insight into my own problems I would be able to manage all of this.

I actually wrote this post with a clear head though.