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Great questions.
In my childhood I became very good at trying to please others to avoid the wrath of Mom, to hide the sexual abuse from others, to get attention, to win praise, etc. I believed I was really bad and did all kinds of behaviors to "appear" to be good.
My identity, my self-worth came from the opinions of others. I was starved for attention and praise so I attempted to manipulated how others saw me to win approval. I had a mask for every occasion. Being MPD was a part of that but I didn't know about that fordecades. So I lived for others for many years. Walking around going through the motions, and trying to avoid rejection and disapproval.
My feelings weren't important to anyone and they became unimportant to me also. My beliefs and ideas weren't valued so I stopped valuing them. I lost myself. A lost person who believes herself damaged beyond repair and different from the whole world has given away her power.
I am 60 years old now and have slowly been taking back who I was created to be. It was very hard to accept myself since I wasn't too sure who I was but I'm learning. I heard in 12 step program years ago that "your opinion of me is none of my business". Some folks will like me, some won't. I'm finally OK with that. It is OK to be me.
What stripped me of my power? Fear and shame. Through years of therapy and recovery groups and a growing faith the fears are gone, the shame has been given back to the ones who deserved it.
I have opinions and in safe settings I share them openly. I have beliefs and ideas and they don't have be like my friend's ideas. I've discovered I can be different, even a bit unique, and my friends accept me. I have an inner peace I didn't know was possible. It was a long journey out of the copendent way I lived for most of my life. But I am so free now.
Answering your question was a great reminder of how far I've come. When those old negative messages try to float through mind I can reject them now because I have learned the truth.
Judy
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However confused the scene of our life appears, however torn we may be who now do face that scene, it can be faced, and we can go on to be whole.
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