My legal meeting yesterday went quite well. There were some rough spots, but we made it through. T was there and tried to get the meeting off to a good start. I was quite reluctant to engage with him at first and looked at him little. When I finally did look at him fully--this is going to sound strange--I noticed he had this rather large, painful-looking cold sore on his lip and I immediately thought, "hey, he's not always perfect, and not always pretty." You know, kind of like, "he's my T, warts and all." (Sorry if TMI!)

In the evening I went to therapy. What a treat! It felt like ages but it had only been 15 days. I am feeling a little like a failure right now, having to write here that no, I did not talk to T about how disappointed/annoyed I was that he didn't answer my email last week. When I went into his office and he asked how I was, I responded immediately, "good!" I knew in that instant that I was, even though I really hadn't known that before he asked. I just went with the here and now, and in the here and now, I was not angry and not hurt, but just fine.

I loved our therapy session. It was us at our best, with give and take and flow. And some intellectual exchange too. I have never laughed so much or so hard in session. We laughed together. Loudly. It was wonderful. And just what I needed. I almost feel guilty having such a good time in therapy. I love how we can be so direct and honest and I don't have to hide my feelings. He can read them so well. I love how he told me "you're so cute" not once, but 3 times. (He is sometimes charmed by my reactions. ) At one point, he had to get out his laptop, which I do not like. I find it hard to do therapy when his attention is split between his computer and me. The machine on his lap forms a barrier. I've told him this before--apparently his wife feels the same way. Anyway, while he was working on his laptop (on correspondence related to me), he tried to move the conversation to something new, and I told him, "I'm going to wait until you're finished." He really respected that, said "good idea," and focused on finishing up. I felt really proud of myself that I could tell him that very directly, instead of sitting there being dissatisfied or becoming annoyed. I've come a long way.

We talked a little about one of my pet ideas for a project, and he really likes it. He urged me to do it. I am hoping we will move into some sort of professional collaboration eventually, but I'm not sure....

I look back on this session, and I do not see any sign of depression or dysfunction. I left feeling very energized and in such a good mood.
A significant moment came when I was reflecting out loud about how my H and I were getting along really well. In our legal meetings, it is not him I get upset with. It is with the other team members that I get upset, annoyed, frustrated, or even angry. This happens A LOT. My problems with the financial guy date back a year. More recently, it has been my H's lawyer. I was thinking out loud about why I would get so mad at the team, but rarely at my H, and I told my T, "it feels safe to get upset at the team." Amen. That explains a lot. My T loved the insight. Knowing this makes me feel better about my behavior, and I thank the team tremendously for putting up with such a volatile, reactive client who butts heads with them regularly yet gets on famously with her H. This is one thing I hope my T passes on to the rest of the team.