No, my friends, don't be afraid to post what leaps out at you from my post. Thank you for your insights. I think you all are very wise.

I do feel safe with T, angry or happy, and I think it is to his credit and also to the credit of the divorce process we are using, and our cadre of professionals, that I have been able to feel safe being upset or angry at them. It's quite amazing, actually, although I know inside it is somewhat dysfunctional of me, since it is very transferential. At least in part, it is anger at my H being misdirected because it is so very unsafe to be angry at him. But you know, I just have to get through this right now, and this is working for me. Maybe we can return to the "no anger at H" thing later in therapy, when this is all over. I have been angry (and expressed it) more times at my T than I have been to my H (H and I were married 20+ years; T and I have known each other only 2 years). It has been very healing to be able to be angry at him and not experience retribution or destruction. There may be more of this ahead.

Yes, I know. All of that was real. As Pinksoil said, I need only return to my thread and read what I wrote there. (Thank you, PC, for bearing witness!) When I walked into the legal meeting, I tried to hold a grudge against T about it (hold onto my anger) as well as my anger at my H's lawyer, but that didn't work. We were all talking about Obama's win the night before, and sorry to be political, but his victory was very inspiring to me. I was just so proud of the U.S. for electing him. Right after watching his victory speech the night before, on my way to bed, I got that email from my H's lawyer that pissed me off, and seemed to take away the good feelings of the evening. At the legal meeting the next morning, before we got started, everyone was sharing their feelings about the win, and I was almost determined to hold back and not participate, to be closed and guarded and not share in the joy, but then I did. I felt like this is so much more important than my little problems and again, I was not going to repeat the mistake from the night before and let any grudges or too tightly held onto ill will spoil this. I just felt this was bigger than me, and I am glad I didn't sit there holding onto my irritation at such cost to myself. This pre-meeting talk helped draw me into a better frame of mind for the legal work we had to do, which involved reaching a number of key agreements on finances. It's not easy work, and positive affect can help a lot.

As for whether I am still angry at T somewhere inside, you guys might be right. But I do know I can't fake being angry to him when I don't feel it. It would be very hard to pretend something to him I was not feeling, just for the sake of... what? Thoroughness? I do have this feeling that if he were to ignore an email from me again, it would be a huge trigger for me, so that tells me that you probably all are right, and I am not done with this. I have spoken to him about email before, and I know some of it is his disorganization. (He has never deleted a single professional email he has received, and keeps them all in his Inbox. I would become overwhelmed too, if this were my system.) And some of it is his boundaries between professional and personal time, which are very strong. However, you are all so right that I was indeed very pissed off at him, and maybe that will be a discussion for next time. As ktgirl said, "it's not too late to talk to him about it." Maybe I was testing him, but yesterday morning I sent him an email (not a needy one, but an informational one). He responded about 8 hours later.

Yes, that is very true. Not so much with T anymore--I lose control with him often and am not scared of it--but with the other professionals. It has been a fear of mine since the beginning of the divorce, way way back, before even meeting T. I feel they are "strangers" to me, and I do not like making myself vulnerable to strangers. This fear has been something T and I have worked on, and he knows it is has been a barrier for me in the divorce process. Really, if I had known I would have to let this group of strangers in on so many painful things, I am not sure I would have made this choice. But yet, at the same time, I am glad I did, as it has actually helped me begin to work through this fear. A lot of my fear over "strangers watching my pain" stems from a very specific and traumatic childhood incident, and I have had to work through this in therapy to even be able to come close to sitting there with those professionals through this hugely emotional and painful time. I have had to cancel a meeting or two because I was in too much pain and could not go to the meeting and let them see that. (A huge thanks is due to my H for his patience.) In some of the collaborative divorce literature, the team is referred to as "the family", and I am truly feeling that they have become family. They have seen more of me than most people, and I feel I know them and many of their quirks really well. I know this must sound warped, but I will miss them when this is over. Feeling that way is by itself kind of embarrassing, as you shouldn't bond with the professionals you and your H have employed to carry out your divorce, should you?

Maybe.