I went to therapy today, and was so stressed out due to some major family issue going on since the death of my mom.

At that point I was going let out what I was thinking for some time about T.
My T has this thing where she asks me all the time if I took a risk with reaching out for more support, you know to people outside of therapy since she is not always going to be there.
Well in my mind I hate that, I hate that she always asks me that because I already feel like crap for not being able to do that. I mean I have friends, I am a full time nursing student, so I am out around people alot. I just don't open up to them. My relationship with them is very superficial.

Anyways, I have not opened up to my T a ton yet and I have been seeing her for 8 months now. I have never showed her anger ect.

Today being in the state I was in I just started to cry and said I hate being asked about that all the time. She said I am only doing it because it was one of the goals that you wanted, and I dont want you to be waisting your time. I would not be doing my duty as a therapist if I just let you stay stuck. I understand that. I told her that I already feel like crap that I can't do that, everytime I hear it, it makes me feel so inadequate.

Then I said there is more.( It was so hard to let this one out). I said since day one, you had wanted me to create supports outside of therapy. I took that as you just wanting me to rush and be done, to get rid of me in a sense. So I thought why open up, you don't really care.

Then I said there's more, she said when are you going to tell me the more. I thought, what the heck. So I said I saw a sign on your car with a counseling center. I googled it because I have never heard of it. She said yes I started my own practice. Where she lives, one hour away. I said so your going leave. She said I would never just leave, its unethical. I would have to let you know well in advance and we would work through this.

I said, thats the thing. I don't want to get into this deep with you only to have you down the road tell me you are moving on. I said I would rather be sent to someone else first. She said, I totally understand that, it would be very difficult to share all this stuff and have to do it all over again with someone else.

She said, I am not going to leave you, untill you are ready. Then she said, and when we are done, down the road, you can always come back and see me if something gets rough.
I felt somewhat better after hearing that. Though I have had so many people fail me, been put in fosters homes twice ect. That to me those are just words, its really hard for me to believe that. Which also makes it hard for me to trust people. I feel in the end they are going to fail me.

Then she said we will step back on my coaching you on getting outside support since its really bothering you at this point, we will work on other things until you are feeling more up to trying.

Then she did something she has never done before when therapy ended today. She usually walks me to the door in her office and opens it for me. This time she walked me to her office door, opened it up for me , then walked me all the way down the hallway to the door leading outside the buidling. I loved that she did that.

Anyways, thanks for your encouraging words in telling me to speak up to my T. It was so, so, hard to do but in the end I feel better although a bit more vulnerable. I hope to be able to speak up more, its really hard for me to do that. As I am sure it is for most of you as well.

Hangingon