I'm trying very hard not to relapse, but I'm really having difficulties right now. I'm really fighting the urges to hurt myself, but can't let anyone know. I'm really scared right now and don't know what to do about it. I'm also changing the way how I dress again back to the gothic style mode. I'm nervous and feel that I can't function in the "real world" because there's no place for me in a facility that would treat me in a good fit plan. I feel like the worst misfit in the world right now and am currently becoming a chew and biter on myself versus cutting, scratching, and burning (using a knife, needle, finger nails, anything I could get my hands on). I haven't self-harmed for exactly 8 months to this day, but really don't know what to do with myself. I can't land back in the hospital. I don't have the chance nor the choice. I need some support badly because I can't talk to anyone or show any of my emotions. There's so much pressure going on at my home with my family that I can't afford it. My mom would basically go beserk again and flip out, become so stressed that her health deteriorates, and then be short, mean, snappy, and grouchy. As it is, whenever I try to use a calming strategy, she gets mad and is like, "You don't need a calming choice right now, it's time to WORK!!! You aren't helping me and I need it now. You can't leave this house until all the tasks I need to be completed are completed!" She doesn't relate at all to me and really doesn't carry any empathy for me. I'm so mad at her that I'm just down to crying. I need help, but am bottling it all up and am just trying to keep my head above water. Where's the love when you need it??? because it's never there when I certanly need it. My life is just a pile of f***ing c*** and miserable s***!!! F*** this life of mine!!!!! I hate it all and just want to get rid of it!!!!!!!!