I remember back in the beginning of therapy when T told me about object constancy and we talked about how I had such a hard time holding onto him between sessions. It's like the ultimate game of peek-a-boo: now you see me ...now you don't. Some of you may even recall my fear that his nameplate on the door would be changed when I got there.

I also had such a hard time accepting the IDEA of the necessity of attaching to him if I were to truly heal, and accepting his role in a sort of re-parenting. I had been so independent for so long. But slowly I have peeled back layers of armor designed to protect me and I have let him in. It's still really hard to open up and break down the defenses but I have arrived at a place where I feel like we are velcro'd together. I looked at him the other day and simply said, "I feel so attached to you." A year ago I would have died rather than say that. Maybe that's what all the ruptures were/are about...my unconscious battling the need to attach because of core wounds.

This acceptance of the attachment and need for another is proving to be a good choice, because now I feel like I can tell him (almost) anything.

I have been working through some feelings of isolation and yesterday I needed to tell him about some stuff I really needed to get out and I was able to call his answering machine and leave a two part message with tears and everything AND tell him that he didn't have to call back, that I would see him Monday.

Whoa. I just felt like I was talking to him, letting my feelings out.

I just think it was so healthy rather than keeping this scary, negative stuff inside of me where it threatens my well being. And I feel secure knowing that he will hear my message and be holding onto those feelings for me so I don't lose them. Peek a boo. I see you!