Didn't want to hijact ((MissC)) thread, but reading the mention of object consistency is where I am at the moment. I thought I'd managed to make some forward movement with this, but for a while now its as if T just falls through my radar reading when I'm not with her. Yes I must have some sense of her because i do think about her, but its not in a way that is helpful...but when she offered me 3x yesterday I for a short while felt that the ongoing situation I am going thorugh at the moment had become managable because I was no longer alone with it...These feelings of being alone is a feeling I have carried with me for ever...trying to parent my teenagers is difficult because my stuff is all getting mixed up with their stuff and my memorys are flooding back and I am no longer sure of what is real and what isn't...for sure the awful feelings are real...too real!!!....but no sooner did I experience the relief of the aloneness then it was back....hopefully the actual experience of seeing T 3x a week will do what it is intended to do..give that internal feeling of safety...I hate that experience of not being able to feel the safety of someone...that feeling that theres only you in the world and everybody else can't see you....if anything was to happen there'd be no way of getting help.....there'd be no experience of someone else being there for you...I guess this must be a clue to what has already happened in the past, because unless someone has experienced something already they would not know how it feels...I get the feeling that its me that is constantly ridding myself of holding onto T internally..but why...trust? incase I dare to trust and get let down? the not having anything there to begin with safes me from having it and then loosing it? Oh adoption issue clues again...sigh