I wrote this yesterday. Sorry for length, this isn’t even the whole thing; I cut it off because I didn’t want to bore anyone to death more than I already do. Wasn’t sure where to post this.

It’s been a hard day, really hard, unsure. I want to talk but I’m still scared of asking a friend to talk to me. So I don’t. I guess this is me casting a fishing line into the ocean and I’m hoping I’ll get a bite, or sending a message in a bottle off and hoping I'll get one back. Terrible comparison.

I’m none of this but I should be. This is part of my “plan”. It makes me realize everything I’m not. It’s making me sad. I don’t know why I wrote it anymore. I got news and some of you know it. I'm not really ready to say it completely publicly. The news is prompting me. I guess I wrote this to have it in words.

Ahh, unsure about emotions

If I want to be a better person…

I need to have faith in myself. I can’t deny who I am.
I need to stop using drugs and alcohol as a crutch.
I need to ask for help when I need it. No misplaced sense of pride will hold me back from admitting I need others.
I need to take my medication every morning because I have an illness. I am not my illness, but I have an illness, and I need to accept that.
I am not going to deny what happened to me.
I need to stop wasting my time worrying about what others think of me.
I won’t associate with people who take advantage of me.
I can’t let people walk all over me.
Instead of spending energy hating who I am, I’ll spend it striving to be who I want to be.
I need to see my plans through and get motivated. If I start a project I will finish it.
I need to be reliable- I will not let my friends down.
I need to stop hurting myself.
I need to realize that emotional abuse is just as valid as anything else I’ve been through.
I need to see that what I went through does not make me any less of a man.
I can’t let the past control me.
I need to stop listening to the old tapes in my head. They were all liars and bad people. I have to listen to people care about me.
I need to see that my stubbornness not only hurts me but hurts those around me.
I need to let people in.
I need to be a father, a friend and a partner.
I need to accept change instead of fearing it.
I have to make an effort to communicate with myself and accept all of me. None of us are stupid.
I need to accept that things happen in life that are beyond my control. Not everything that happens if my fault. I need to accept blame when blame is due, but I also need to accept I can’t control everything.
I can’t blame myself for the actions of others.
I have to seize opportunities when they present themselves. I have to shape my own destiny and can’t let others decide my life.
I have to be honest to myself and those that want to help me.
I must accept that everyone makes mistakes.
I need to see that I can trust people again. Not everyone will hurt me.
I need to stop making excuses.
I have to realize that suffering can’t be my teacher. No one gets better by being hurt.

It's a lot longer A lot longer. I thought I'd share that though.