Same thing as me. First major depression before I left school, a lifetime of struggling on through various degrees of depression. (I'm 41). I got very good at hiding the pain, and functioning as best as I could. I'm British but moved to the States 4 years ago. Before I came here I had therapists, but couldn't tell anyone the extent of what I was going through. My perception was that noone would really care anyway, unless I was on the verge of killing myself (and I can't).

Now I have a psychiatrist, and a therapist who will talk to me out of hours if I'm really distressed. Effexor helps a bit but the effect wears off. I still haven't tried absolutely everything meds wise. DBT is helping me change the way I think and cope better with distress. I can talk about self-harm, suicidal thoughts, being depressed all the time to anyone who will listen, which is important in asking for help when I need it. I've also been practicing asking for help when I need it! I even told a couple of workmates about the depression recently so they don't just think I'm a lazy arse. I work SO hard to keep on working, but all they see is the days I can't get in to work. I'm just starting to see the whole thing as a disability for which I deserve some help in the workplace.

I never met anyone in the same situation until recently - I went into a day program where everyone was the same, and it was a revelation. My DBT group has people who have continuing depression. Not having to pretend you're OK, and knowing other people completely understand is really helpful.