Brokensmile,

My life is exactly the same as yours, except my boyfriend dumped me. I find myself doing exactly the same as you - going out, drinking, ecstacy, then I crash bad, but when I am high I am so so so happy and feel so good. When I am high I tell myself to remember this feeling when I feel like **** 2 days later.

What worries me now is I will go out by myself and meet new friends - gay clubs coz I know they wont want sex from me, just treat me good. I dont tell people I have so much drugs, because I feel weak for it.

I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, which makes me fat, so I tell myself to have a pill which will stop me eating instead of alcohol. But its when I am already drunk that I decide to have a pill.

I feel out of control - I have no control over my weight, my mind. o wish I could feel satisfied and happy if I stopped.