your heart doesn't see it...

Because you are protecting that heart?

survival is all that exists...

The fear steers the boat?

then suddenly out of no where for a very, very short moment you can see clearly, you breathe, you think at last freedom from bondage, everything makes sense and what didnt make sense no longer exists, but within moments its all back again..

Did something help you to feel safe? If so, how can you increase this?

Where even to be close to someone is to much because all you see in them is your fears, your worries, your past...you want the world to go away..

The relationship reminds you of everything....

Mouse, were you diagnosed with PTSD? This all sounds like the NPD to me?