Everyone's thoughts gave me a lot to think about.

I do think part of it might be that if I accept the love and compassion, the scared, fearful, hurt parts of me will show themselves and there I'll be, stuck with all that pain. It's so scary.

And I think it's finding out....I NEED and WANT love.... I didn't think that I did. I married someone very distant and unaffectionate, more interested in himself than in me, and I know I did it because that's what felt "right" to me. Discovering that there is this deep longing for love and acceptance inside of me is painful and scary.

I had T today. I tried to talk about some of this stuff with him, but I felt really anxious and scattered and panicky, and I don't think he understood where I was coming from or what I was saying. Then he asked me a really specific question about a trauma (why?? he's never done that before, he usually lets me take the lead), and it was such a specific question that I had to really stop and picture myself back in the situation and I ended up all flashbacky and dissociated and just totally screwed up. I wish he hadn't done that. Maybe he is trying to "push" me a little, but I really feel like I have enough going on right now trying to manage all of this other stuff.

Blah!