So, I have been through a lot in the last couple of years. I was in nursing school, but dropped out

after being totally paralyzed by social anxiety and major depression. Didn't leave my house much for a

couple months, then finally got a job. Was doing okay for a while, then a new owner came in and fired

everyone. Back to not leaving my house. Until one day I just got up, called a hair salon and went

right in and chopped off my waist length hair, up to my chin! Loved it then, for all of 2 days, and

have hated it since.

Next I went home to visit my parents, and just stayed. Called up my fiance (who I have a little boy

with) told him I was just done. Needless to say, while things were bad, he was never expecting that.

I then preceded to drink (and I am NOT a drinker) all the time, making out with random guys, dressing

in much tighter clothing than usual. I got my own place and managed to keep it perfectly spotless at

all times, despite always having people over drinking, and previous to this NEVER being able to keep

things organized. Oh and the baking- I bake and bake constantly when I am like that. I took up

running. Yoga. Knitting. Oh and I became obsessed with the concept of "whole foods" so I was eating

nothing processed, making everything myself, etc...

Everything was so EASY.

And then the bottom dropped out. I can't seem to get anything done, I am struggling with my job, I can

barely drag myself out of bed most of the time, I went back to self injury (managing to give myself a

nasty infection this time too), and I have basically stopped seeing my friends.

Thankfully my fiance forgave me for everything (given we have been together for 9 years, he has seen

it all with me) but during our split, he told his bipolar sister all about the crap going on with me,

my horrible shifts in mood, etc. And she suggested that I may be bipolar.

Here is my concern: I am always convinced that whatever is wrong with me I am somehow

over-exaggerating. I fear telling a doc about my problems, only for them to tell me it is nothing, or

that I am faking, or some such thing. Though I realize, this is probably due to my anxiety issues more

than anything.

I guess me being bipolar was never an option. I mean, when I look at it now, well I guess it could

have been hypomania, but what if that's just me? I have been like that as long as I can remember, any

sort of diagnosis means I am not ME, but me hidden behind an illness.

All that said, I have not been diagnosed as bipolar. Even when I was seeing a pdoc (for the anxiety) I

lied to her when I knew she was asking me questioned pertaining to bipolar, because I am always

convinced that I am the one making things SEEM worse than they are (if that even makes sense). Anyway,

I am just exhausted with it all and don't even know what to think, let alone how to mention all this

to a pdoc, without telling them outright what I think it could be (because then, well wouldn't they

get pissy at me for 'self diagnosing')?

Oh how I wish my brain would just shut up.