I am seeing my T to tomorrow and I don't want to go, but it's too late to cancel and I am going right after work--i like to unwind before I go to see T. Of course it's anxiety that's doing this to me. I feel like when I leave to see T, part of me checks out. It's like I leave part of myself or 85 percent of my brain at home. When I get to her office, not only am I anxious, but I feel completely zoned out and can barely think let alone talk. I am beginning to feel like a therapy dunce! As far as she knows I am just anxious, I haven't told her that I feel like part of me didn't walk into that office or that it feels like im not there at all and instead feels like a dream and that i wanna run out the door...I have never had anxiety manifest itself like that. I usually get agitated and edgy.

I dont think I can do this...

Last week was okay, but I struggled to tell the morsels of childhood memories I have and even those are choppy, except for a few things I things I remember which mainly encompass what living with certain people in my family was like... I am so zoned out when Im there that I can't stay with the conversation completely. I can't form the words to answer her questions, I can't tell her what Im feeling, most of the time I really don't know what I am feeling and I am wondering if I have ever had emotions at all or maybe I just lost them along the way somewhere. In any case, I am getting frustrated and I think she's getting frustrated.

I think I quit...

I don't want to go back ever again but if I don't I will hate myself. I already feel like Im losing control of myself. I am tempted to knock back a couple of drinks to loosen myself up before my appointment...but she'd probably be able to tell and I would feel guilty about it because i have already told her that I need to stop drinking. Maybe opening up to people is something I just can't do. and going to this therapist only proves that and because of it im going to be broken and lonely for the rest of my life. I resent my parents for turning me into this huge disaster of a human being. I didn't learn anything but fear and misery from them. Sometimes I feel like they had no business having children. I try to help myself when they didn't help me and im already failing<<<<sorry minor rant there im frustrated...