it's just my opinion, obviously...

For me, at least, there are times when I think the actual events were easier to handle than the aftermaths...I am not implying they were not horrid and sickening events that drained us.
I am saying, again just for me, that living with the memories and the (sometimes) day-to-day struggle to stay on an even keel drain me in a different way.

Please try and read my heart, but I have difficulty putting these things into words.
During those terrible times, my one goal was to survive. Period. In order to do it, I numbed myself to a depth that I still am finding my way out...
Whenever another event occurred, it's like I just tucked it into my bag of pain and forgot about it.

Limbo was a grand seduction for me. I didn't have to face the past, and I sure as hell wasn't acknowledging the present! It was far less frightening to just feel nothing. I can pinpoint to a degree when I knew I had to do something or I was going to shrivel into a nothingness. It's not something I think I should share here--possible trigger--but I do remember feeling stunned when I realized that I did not want to die, but I could not live the way my life was right then.

Something inside me had rebelled and kicked me out of that limbo...Oh Joy.
There was no way of preparing for the intensity of the feelings that slammed me. God, but I was wild and nearly out of my mind with anger/rage/feelings of wanting revenge, and many other ones.
I said FO to anyone who told me the time-worn platitudes...yes, there are nuggets of wisdom within them, but it was a long time before I could see it.
I grew so weary of "it will get better--give it time--look for beauty" and absolutely no one understood that I needed for someone to share what they had been through, their survival techniques for the present, and how to protect myself when assailed with dangerous and unrelenting depression.

Therapy helped and I will always, but always, be grateful for it...and my therapist who had no problems working outside the box. When I would be in a particularly horrible time and could not talk about it...we wrote notes to each other. In the session. It was safer to me than saying those words out loud. And he could still see my physical presentation...
Yeah, he was a gift. He gave me many tools to help me...
One of the best was accepting that my life would get better, but there would be residual affects, and I needed to get a safety net in place asap.
I've used it several times, and it did ease things.

Again, just for me. I do have to seek gratitude or die. I do not necessarily seek gratitude on a big scale. I do much better when I see the small things and smile...nature is one of my healing tools.
It's gotten easier for me to accept the love of others; romantic and friendship. It may take awhile to earn my trust, and that is my right.
My right because I went through such things? No. My right because I'm a human being? Yes.

There came a point when I knew that not everything revolved around my abuse. That many, many things were just part of being alive...
I had not known how to differentiate between what was connected to the abuse, and what was part of living. I had no frame of reference and had to learn it.

All in all, some days are nicer than others! Kinda like the weather...

Peace to you my friends,

Cap