I am so tired of trying to overcome Cyclothymia and Major Depressive Disorder. The combined disorders and the experimenting with various meds and the mood spins are beginning to wear me out. I'm tired of fighting to control and manipulate my thinking and constant journaling for my pdoc. I want to give up and let my mind go where it may. But the only thing I'm worried about is what will happen to my mind. If I let go, will the disorder win over the meds? Will I lose my mind? Does anyone know?

This is my dilemma--I didn't tell my pdoc that I think I had a round with what I think is schizophrenia as a teenager. I dabbled with the occult--automatic writing and the ouija board--and no, it definitely was not a game--too much happened and were not coincidences. I also believed I was communicating with someone telepathically--I didn't tell anyone because I knew no one I knew would believe me--but I totally believed it. I wasn't taking any drugs, not prescriptions or street drugs of any kind--never had.

Do you think that this is typical schizophrenic behavior? Should I tell my pdoc--do you think it will make a difference? I'm afraid of the diagnosis because about 1 year ago, I thought I was having conversations with God in my head--not out loud but in my head. It went on for about 3 weeks to a month, I think. It hasn't happened since. I think it only happened briefly one other time in my adult life maybe 10 or 15 yrs ago. I'm in my mid 50's now. I'm afraid to tell the pdoc--I don't want another diagnosis on top of the 2 I have. I soooo don't want my family to know this one if I do have it. They are having enough trouble accepting the depression and that Cyclothymia is part of the bipolar spectrum.
I am obsessing over this with fear and that's not good because it could trigger another mood spin.

I see the pdoc on Nov 18th. Arrrrgh! I so don't want to reveal this!
Please, please, someone please give me good counsel. I apologize that this is so long but I am so very distressed over this. The lamictal and seroquel have cleared my mind and memory and I now know that I answered so many of the pdocs initial screening questions wrong because at the time my mind was extremely fogged up. I couldn't remember what happened the previous morning let alone years ago.
Please help! Thank you for listening.