I realized tonight that even though I'm angry, I am sad too. Actually, I've been kind of numb, but some feelings are poking through.

The writing that I burned is something that T and I have been doing for months. He told me months ago that instead of keeping everything in my head, I could write it down, and bring it to him, and he would hold it for me, instead of me being stuck with it, and when we were ready and felt "done", we would take it out behind his office and burn it together. I noticed when I picked it up (I haven't seen any of it since giving it to him) that he had dated the pages, with the month and year. And that made me REALLY SAD....because that is something I will do on little pictures my kids do for me, and here was T, doing it on my scribbles and drawings about this ****ing TRAUMA. It's like reparenting in the worst, sickest, most depressing way.

Anyhow, it was something he was doing for me, and something that felt like "us".

And today I just went and got ALL of it and burnt it by myself in my backyard. I had e-mailed him an ANGRY e-mail and told him if he didn't give it to me today, I would quit therapy. I felt like "SO THERE, T". Like, I think I hoped it would hurt him that I was taking it all away. I sent him an e-mail last night, and told him it was MINE, not his, that I didn't trust him to hold it for me ANYMORE, that I was taking it back. Before, we were sharing the burden. Today, I just grabbed it all back for myself.

So now I've gone and ruined this thing we were doing together. I'm so sad and confused and angry and hurt and....I don't even know. I can't undo what I did, and I don't know if I want to. But it feels HORRIBLE. There was a "reason" behind it, but. But, but, but. I don't know

I have an appointment tomorrow and I did e-mail and ask him if there is even any point in me coming. He said yes, lots of points.