Of late with the ongoing situation that involves my daughter, I have spent most days in fear....

Some moments I realise I've had 5mins free of fear and as soon as I become aware of that the fear returns..

I feel I've been trying and trying to get someone, anyone, T perhaps, to do something, to make me brave, to take care of me, to make my fear go away...

The other night writing just wasn't enought, so I drew one of my matchstick pictures, a picture of a well with me deep inside of it covered with scribble and people walking past, happy in their security ..I stared at the picture and felt the feeling it reflected...last night I drew a huddle figure with arms wrapped around drawn up knees and just one single tear...

Then yesterday evening everyone in my family was out. I was alone, it was only 5pm but I was very aware of the loneliness I was feeling. I didn't even want to use the pc to avoid the feeling, I just felt there was nothing to do anymore to avoid those things I have tried to hard to avoid..

I sat and realised how sad I would be if my husband dies before me, how lonely I would be when my kids have all grown and gone, how aware I was that if something was to go wrong I was alone, I would have to face whatever life puts in my path...

I sat, and sat, and just let the thoughts and fears and saddness do what they will...after a while I felt a peaceful acceptence come over me. I decided to not try and change how I felt, I felt that I'd finally come to realise that fear and saddness and depression are part of the human experience and they are to be felt from time to time. I was able to understand what T means when I am complaining I am feeling fear and she says, you sound as if your saying one shouldn't feel fear?? and I'd feel irritable because I didn't want to hear that..but yes, last night I was quitely resigned to the experience...

Fear is an emotion I've been running from for all of my life...the last few weeks the flashbacks have been happening but also the feelings of fear are being put with the pictures in my head and I think, dam, how did I forget that??? how did I no remember how the fear felt then?.. my ego defenses are being stripped, there isn't much left now that I can do to suppress the fears...I was thinking something was going badly wrong, I think something is going perfectly right, as painful as it is..T must know this, but has sat quitely allowing me to struggle with the re-emergence of these feelings...knowing that the only way out is through it...