For those of you who don't know, I have chosen a chemical- free approach to my bp. For the most part I'm capable of doing this without making the collosal errors in judgement that I use to make. In another thread I spoke of a special self-awareness and inner reflection that being bp affords. I also spoke of the beast of a cycle I'm currently in...and hopefully almost out of. The rollercoaster was more than I could handle this time around. My emotions and lack of sleep so completely overwhelmed me. So at one particular persons insistance I sought out meds to treat the acute extremes of the rollercoaster ride from hell. When I'm manic, depressed or mixed theres no way for me to hide what is taking place within me, my psche, even my heart and soul. The cycle oozes from every pore of my body.

I haven't taken any meds for a very long time, 3 years or so. It hasn't been easy, but I'll take the harder path if the reward is worth it...it's worth it to me. The cycle I'm in got the better of me, it's been extraordinarily treachorous and harsh. Okay, so I've been on meds for a week or so now, enough time for certain meds to take effect and do their job, sometimes too well. What I'm experiencing now is an emotional flatness and a borage of side-effects. I can't deny that it's helped me some in the sleep dept. and the extreme highs and lows. This is also precisely my point, I can fake my feelings to other ppl when I want to. When someone carelessly asks "how are you?" I can say I'm good, then smile and be on my way. When not on meds and am in the throes of mania "how are you?" becomes some endlessly fascinating journey with this person about how I'm doing and feeling. If I'm depressed I'll mumble some response to that person or else I carry on with how pitiful my life is and how the whole world sucks.

My dilema is this...I find myself kinda liking the fact that I can make myself appear to have just about any emotion I want, like an actress in a movie. There is a certain freedom in this that I find quite appealing. Ppl will know only what I want them to know. On the other hand, I can't truly feel my life on meds. My true emotional state is flat-lined, dull, pale, blah blah blah...

What was suppose to be a simple point has turned into something far more self-indulgement than I meant for it to be. For that, I apologize. I am curious about other ppl's thoughts, feelings in regards to: fake it 'til ya make it!
TgrsPurr