well had my 3xwkly extra session today...it felt really scary, like a physical closeness...found it hard to formulate my thinking in the session...eventually said what kind of hangs around me silently with T that I've not be able to find words for or even contemplate telling her...but today told her that I am afraid that I will run toward T and she will say, sorry I'm not your mother...T said so you want closeness, intimacy but afraid of the rejection? of course yes thats the case...talked about times when this has actually happened..but I also talked about something that I am beginning to realise..that how I am in relationships outside of T and my marriage...I have been friendly with a woman at work, at first I felt happy, this other woman talked, and talked, and talked, and then with all the fear I've had going on lately I shut down...I couldnt bear to hear her voice, I just wanted to be left alone...at tea breaks I tried to read a newspaper hoping she would pick up on the fact I wanted to just be quite..but no she continued to talk and talk...I eventually dropped a hint about what was going on in my life at present and she didn't want to know, she just said, oh right and then continued to talk and talk and talk...I told T that looking at all the friendships I've had, I tend to want to please the other by being such a wonderful listener and problem solver that the other person wouldnt ever leave me...I thought it rude to not want to sit and listen and listen...of course this is the role I had with my adoptive mother...but also T said, I think you wanted to be listened too and have projected that need into others...I said I have decided that I am not going to listen to everything someoen wants to tell me and I am catching myself when I see myself jumping head first into a friendship...giving myself permission to listen when I want and be quite when I want...but I'm not sure yet how to tell if someone else is willing to give and take in a friendship so for now want to concentrate of the relationship with myself.....I aint no ones saint, nor no ones sinner!...