my life happened. everything happened. the world is cruel and sick and i've had enough of hanging on. i can't live like this any longer. i can't live with nightmares when i sleep and nightmares when i'm awake, with chaos in my head and sickness beyond every corner, with haunting reminders of my past everywhere, the inability to trust a world that has only shown me that when it comes down to it, i will forever be hurt.

i use a wheelchair, one eye is useless, i'm missing a finger, my skin is grafted, but none of it can compare to what torture i endure on the inside, which can not be put into words. i fought. i've fought my entire life.

i don't want to do this any more. i don't want to get up in the morning and find living a chore. i love my girlfriend and my children, but they don't deserve a partner and a father who is losing the will to breathe and eat. i am dangling off a cliff and i won't wait to be caught at the end of my fall.

i am not my past, but i feel like my past has defeated me. i am filled with such empty sadness and anger today.

my life has caught up with me. i can no longer out run and hide from my memories and myself. they are too scary and too brutal to comfront on my own, but no one else can face it for me.

i can't do this.