i am not my past, but i feel like my past has defeated me. i am filled with such empty sadness and anger today.

my life has caught up with me. i can no longer out run and hide from my memories and myself. they are too scary and too brutal to comfront on my own, but no one else can face it for me.

i can't do this.

[/quote]

Yes you can...

Griffe, your past has not defeated you. In some ways, you are now beginning to face what has happened to you...yes, it is brutal and heart-breaking and overwhelming, but you are talking about them and getting some of the pain out. It doesn't feel good and it's not supposed to...that is why you have a therapist to help you IRL and people here who care about you.
Let us love you until you can love yourself.

You have people in your life who will do whatever it takes to help you--accept that help. The alternative is not an option if you can really be honest with yourself. There is more to life than feeling like this, but you have to make some kind of effort to change it.
It doesn't matter how small that effort is, it builds on itself and strengthens every day.
Hmmm...you already made an effort, Griffe. You've come here and shared with people you know care about you...that took courage and a wee bit of hope that someone would say something/anything to shed some light in your darkness.

Really honest--the alternative ain't all it's cracked up to be.
My thought as I was tumbling into nothingness was, "OH ****! I want to live; I just don't want to live like this..."
In an instant, I saw my children, my SO, everyone in my life who loved me...and I loved them. Then small things like the beauty of violets, the sound of the ocean...many things that I loved wrapped into one thing...
my weeping with regret began then

Obviously, I'm here to share with you. You do have the power to make your life better. You--Power. You do not have to continue feeling like a powerless victim, but you do have to make the decision to take that first step towards feeling better, welcoming joy into your life, hope in your heart.

Yeah, surviving brutal childhoods is but the first step. The second is understanding and forgiving ourselves for the mistakes/decisions we made while growing up because we did not know better...
That third step? Not giving up.
BTDT

Power to you, Griffe, Power to you

Cap