i apologize for clogging this forum.

i've accepted help before. what can people do to help me? they can not relieve a burden that is mine to hold. i have had my life piled on me for too long now and i am broken, i can walk no further. if i drag my aching body along the rode as i search for whatever meager light is there it the end i will not find it, for i've lost sight of everything. the pain is too much.

i have failed everyone around me- i fail as a partner, a father, a friend. stepdad? it wouldn't make a difference to them- they wouldn't remember me, they're too young to. i've always vowed to give my kids what i never had growing up, a good life. a good father. i'm not a good father. i am the product of my childhood. i am a broken mess.

i lost my worth, or maybe i was born without it. and now i just slip into my dark abyss. part of me doesn't want to, but the rest of me is too tired to fight it.

i know i've missed my last 3 sessions. and i'll probably miss my next one tomorrow.

i do try, i really do, i've tried hard. i tried lying down just now but it doesn't help any when i'm alone in the house. my poor dog came over to lick my face, i probably seem cod and lifeless to him too. i still laugh, i got to chat with a friend earlier and we laughed and that was good. it still can't beat this pain.

i'm still writing here, even if it about that bleak world of worthless depression i'm trapped inside. my past has stolen my future. i'm conflicted inside.

it's unfair to deal with this. at least in my hopeless world i can finally start to see that the past is not all my fault, although it's years too late.