Left T a voicemail message, "Congratulations for reaching your goal to piss me off...."

Several sessions we've talked about not feeling comfortable (with her, with myself, etc) enough to change the subject in session. "Oh, I don't want to talk about that, I want to talk about this..." she said with ease, to show me what a breezy thing it can be.

So on Monday I was talking about an old topic, a person I'd talked about a lot who I'm briefly and temporarily in contact again. T thinks this contact is going to go somewhere and I do not. I don't care that we disagree, except that I think it is not a gray area at all. I think she's wrong and in fact as I expected, the renewed contact with this person seems to be over now. In session, I was watching the clock (can see it reflected in her window) and halfway through the session I said I didn't want to talk about this anymore. I had previously, some time ago, spent entire sessions talking about this person and I was always mad at myself for giving this person 'my' hour. I didn't want that to happen, and I felt the resentment growing, so I wanted to stop talking about the person.

So what does T say? "I feel like you are dropping down walls about talking about this."



So I left her a horrible voicemail about how one session changing the subject means I'm feeling comfortable and another session it's about dropping down walls.



I've never an angry voicemail.

I don't know how to go to tomorrow's session. I don't know how to face her. I'm really afraid. What I really want to do is hide, but yet... I adore T and I really want to be there.

But not if she's mad at me.

But I really want to be there.

But not if she's mad at me.

But I really... *sigh*