I was in bed for about an hour thinking. Couldn't fall asleep. So I decided to get up and get the junk out of my mind. I'm not really looking for anything more than a place to express myself.

I am seeing and feeling my mortality today. I'm 48 1/2 years old and I don't know that I've made a difference in my life or anyone else's either. I never had any kids of my own and that makes me sad. I actually cried about it today. I do have 2 stepsons and 1 nephew who has been like a son to me, but none to call my own. I'm at the point where the end of my life is closer than the beginning. I wonder if there is a Heaven and I'm sure there is a Hell (and it looks strangely like the life I'm living now).

I was thinking about suicide tonight. No plan. Not planning on doing anything, just thinking of the ways there are to do it. I'm distressed that these thoughts are in my mind. Is my life so bad that I should be thinking these things and feeling this way? No. Not really. But I do. What's missing? What would make me a happy person with a life worth living?

I don't have the answer to that question. I guess it's rhetorical. I don't seem to enjoy much of anything these days. I sleep most of the day and only kind of get going when my husband is due home from work. I don't want him to see me doing nothing all the time. So I do as little as I can, which takes an enormous amount of energy, to make it seem like I'm at least doing something.

It's all a silly game. My house is a mess. The laundry is never caught up. Dishes are on the counter. The chaos in my life is so visual to everyone including me. But as long as I put a pair of underwear and a work shirt in the bathroom for my husband for tomorrow, nobody will see how much I have fallen down. I don't have friends over anymore because the house is such a pit - I don't even want to be here myself!

I was thinking earlier of the time when my mom died. I was with her for the three days prior to her death. Hadn't seen her in about 10 years before that. I was hoping to make things right with her. When I walked into her room in the nursing home, she recognized me (at least I want to believe that she did) and for the first time in my whole life she put her hand to my face and caressed my cheek. It was the only time she had ever physically shown me any love. And it meant the world to me. But it was too late. I held her hand when she died and continued to hold it for more than an hour after she passed, until the funeral home came to get her. Morbid to some I would imagine, but to me it was all I had. I never remembered her holding my hand in life, but I'll never forget holding her hand in death.

I know my thoughts are all over the place, but that's where I'm at right now. Just off-loading the garbage as I find it.

I really want to know that Heaven or someplace like it exists. Since I'm not sure, I'll only think about ending my life but I won't do it. I'm too afraid. My favorite show is Ghost Whisperer and I want more than anything for there to be a light to crossover into where my mom is waiting for me.

Can I work my way out of this depression? I'm taking all my meds as prescribed and I'm still feeling depressed. That stinks. I keep thinking of that phrase "fake it until you make it". Can I fake it until I make it? Can I just go through the actions without the feelings? It doesn't quite seem like it's worth it. It seems pointless to act without feeling.

I'm overwhelmed by all the stuff/things I have in my house. Too much to take care of. I don't even like having a lot of food in the house. It makes me feel like I have some sort of obligation to do something productive with it. I really feel that the less I have to deal with the more I can deal with things, real things, not just stuff.

Is there a point to all of this? No. Not really. I guess if I had a point I'd put a hat on it...

Thanks to anyone who read all of this. I'm not even sure that I would. Hugs to all of you battling this demon of depression.