I'm sorry that you are down right now. You didn't know if there was a point to even writing your thoughts down and there is. Writing about our pain or talking about is one way we heal . We can start that healing here sometimes.
Just my opinion and I hope you know that . I'm just another patient in the zone. Maybe you need to talk to your dr. about the depression. Don't forget your body is changing.
Maybe your friends ? would help you is you asked or if you are ashamed hire someone to help you.
I am sure your husband has noticed your depression. Talk to him. He is probably your best friend right? Remember that vow in sickness or in death? Well, your depression is a medical condition.
You said it was too late when your mom reached out to you and made physical contact. I disagree. It was a gift....... and somewhere inside you , you know this. How could you not? You will remember that forever!!!
Anyway, we are always here and if you want to email w/o posting to me on the board, email me. Maybe I could help you get through this. And if you bothered reading this whole thing, thanks!!!! It's really not about if anyone else reads it, it's about you writing it, the intent behind it, how you felt after writing it, and sometimes imagining what the dialogue will be about your post or how you'd like it to turn out.
Take care of you, loving you, alex.