Griffe, when you are going through hell--keep walking...crawling is all right, too.
We know you are trying, but please hear what we are saying, also. You do not have to go it alone. Period. You do not have to go it alone.
"Burden that is mine to hold." Stop holding it 'cause it's not doing you a bit of good to hold onto that garbage. We can get so used to carrying around so many burdens and garbage from the past and the present that all we can feel is hopeless and ground down--at some point we want to give up yet we don't want to give up...all we see/feel is confusion and despair.

Griffe, we are all products of our childhoods...good or bad childhoods. Yeah, when they are horrid, it can make us feel like broken messes...well, broken messes can be fixed. I had to be "fixed." Was it fun or easy? No. Did I make enough progress taking my itty-bitty steps to make it worthwhile? Yes. Am I free of all the pain and sickness and anger and feeling like whale poop? Many days I am...there are also days when I struggle to hold onto those feelings of hope and peace. But struggle I will because it will get better; not as quickly or as easily as I want but it will get better.
Missing your therapy appts is dangerous and you know it, Griffe. Isolating yourself from those who can help you does you no favors; it makes everything harder. I believe you are finding that out--the longer you go without the help and guidance of your therapist, the easier it is to want to give up, belittle yourself, find no reasons to love yourself, remember each and every painful thing you have Survived...akin to backing yourself into a corner.
How about taking some mental steps away from that corner? That corner/that trap is enticing and seductive, but you do not have to give in to it. You have more power than you are aware of, Griffe--use it.

Forget the failure stuff...you can handle it later. Folks can juggle only so much before they are(figuratively) running here, there, everywhere with so many negative feelings and thoughts...your energy is drained and it doubles your doubts and your fears and your hopelessness.
It doesn't have to be that way. No Lie. No Platitude. It's The Truth, Griffe.

"my past has stolen my future. i'm conflicted inside." to quote you.
Take your present and your future back...you do that by going to therapy even if you drag yourself there, cry during that time, be quiet and sullen, or any number of things. the point is for you to be there; to make that effort to move forward--sloth steps were my forward movement for awhile. I had to work my way up to baby steps, and believe me when I share with you that those baby steps were really, really tiny ones.
Griffe, there is not going to be an Instantaneous Cure. Most likely you'll have remissions that will last longer as time goes by. Be glad for them...they come to us as we need them, but they are not coming all at once.

"Conflicted inside." Well, yeah. None of us are calm and stand tall when we are ground down/beating ourselves/taking blame for everything/demeaning ourselves despite having people who love us.
There is something known as Conflict Resolution. I have faith you have heard these words...just not in this context.
We usually associate it with problems between people, seldom do we realize it is also for our personal battles.

I don't think there is much more that I can say...and I may have said too much already.
If nothing else, I have learned that loving hearts do carry us during rough times simply because we have walked that path.
Most of what I have shared with you is what I learned over the years...not as a psych nurse but as a survivor.

I hate the word survivor. But I have no replacement for it.
Childhood sexual trauma and torture, making some pretty stupid decisions from not knowing any better, not feeling connected to anyone or anything, full of swallowed rage and shame and guilt--all before I was 16.
Part of my handicaps/physical challenges now are from wild living...I no longer think of them as punishment.

Far too many of us have gone through these past events and now we battle the affects. So be it...it's the way our lives are *now* Now, not always.
If I can be of help via PM, IM, email--don't hesitate. Others have offered the same.
Take folks up on it, Griffe. You know you will do it for them when they need special care and support. You've already done it for others...

Power to you, Griffe
Cap