Hi all--
Just wanted to stop in and talk about the latest, since I went back into work today. Whoo, boy--I'll try to make this as concise as I can, as I am still very upset (I've already shed a lot of tears
). I'm also covered with crap, because it really hit the fan today! In all seriousness, though, I could really use some more impartial advice.
Here's what happened:
--I came back into the office after today's event, April and June barely said hi and headed out for lunch. Ok, whatever. A coworker who works in a different department, but sits near my desk apparently could tell something was up, and I told her that it was ok, but that April and June were probably a bit pissed off at me right now for something. She then said that she wondered what was going on--I asked her if anyone had said anything, she said no, but added, "it's one of those things...you know how you can tell something is up?" Yeah, I do!
--I go to my desk and check my e-mail. Sure enough, my supervisor's supervisor sent an e-mail going on about how I was "setting the standard" for calls...and told everyone exactly how many calls I did recently. Eek, talk about uncomfortable. More uncomfortable still was the fact that my supervisor also sent another e-mail herself, asking everyone to get with me to see how I did my calls, how everyone needed to do 100 calls a day, etc. I felt so uncomfortable that I sent my supervisor an e-mail about how much I appreciated their complements, but that I feared singleing me out might make for a tense situation. (She has not yet replied back to me).
--April and June come back from lunch, and don't say much at all to me. I figured that it was time to just lay it all out there and tackle the elephant in the room, so I asked to speak to them both. I said that I just wanted them to know that I had nothing to do with the e-mails my supervisor (and her supervisor) sent--and here is where it starts getting UGLY. April asks me why I would think that, and while I'm at it, for me to explain why I thought that lying about/witholding my call numbers was a good idea. (Since the e-mail my supervisor's supervisor sent had my actual totals in it, she figured out what I'd been doing). I said that I felt that my call totals were between me and my supervisor, and I didn't want anyone to feel that I was trying to brag, hint that they should be doing more calls when that's not my job, hate me for making the calls, etc. I repeated here how I wasn't trying to be sneaky really, just trying to "keep the peace". And, because I worried about causing a situation EXACTLY LIKE THIS ONE!!! They then said that they really didn't care about how many calls I made, only that they cared about what they themselves were doing as far as work, and how offended they were that I see them this way.
--April and June then asked me how doing that was being part of a team, how I don't act like I'm part of the team because I'm always doing "secretive" stuff (like what happened in my earlier posts--the weekend event). They also asked why I thought that they were upset, anyway. I said that I got that feeling from their actions, and that I didn't want to ask them alright because by doing so I felt like I had to walk on eggshells. They then said that my behavior--what I've described above--was "childish", and that "they had that conversation before, and don't know how many times they need to explain it to me" that they don't care how many calls I do, but that they do care when I "go behind their backs". There was also the suggestion by them that "maybe we should all be secretive about things now, since it's apparently ok". They then left very angry and offended, and didn't want to talk anymore.
--This whole thing brought out a lot of emotions, and I'll admit that I went back to my desk (it's in a corner, I'm not easily seen when I'm in there) and cried. Still, I got it together and got back to work, and finished another call list. I e-mailed the totals, like normal, to my supervisor. Right before this, I hear April talking on the phone to my supervisor, in a way that's apparently about the lists.
--Later, I see that April has sent an e-mail to everyone defending herself and her work. She sends a copy of her completed lists to my supervisor, "because she wanted to clear up the perception that she wasn't doing her part". She then said how she thought that we were all doing the lists the same way, but apparently we were not--and then pointed out that on a typical list, a list of, let's say, 100 people might actually be 50 calls because of multiple people in the family listed under the same phone #. True, but...
Now, I NEVER insinutated that she didn't make calls, even with my frustrations, because I know that she does. She also has other duties, which she also pointed out in her e-mail. That's true, no argument there. But what she didn't mention:I had been listing the lists by # of names because SHE gave me a hard time a few weeks ago when I asked if we should give the lists to our supervisor by # of actual calls. (And yes, this was one of the "you won't get on the same page with us and be a team player" moments, when I tried to explain that exact same reasoning).
I am overwhelmed to say the least. This is another one of those situations where I don't know which way is up--if the problem really is with me, or if I'm being misdirected. I look inside and ask myself these questions and can't find an answer; I'm not sure what is real or not, who's right or wrong. It's NOT a pleasant feeling.