I skipped school today.

I am completely ruined right now. When I stay home from school, it's not to play games or have fun, it is because I feel so down that I can't stand seeing the world. Then again, when I stay home, I feel even worse because I can't even figure out how to get to school and avoid being noted as missing. Everybody else can bear going to school.

My father and his girlfriend keep on telling me what I do wrong and why I am no good. They freaked out on my little brother as well because he recieved a 4 as a grade (I think it counts as a C- or just below in America). I can't stand it.

... Yesterday my girlfriend threatened breaking up with me. She thinks I am an idiot, me being constantly annoying. It is the sixth time or such she does that. Of course I don't think it helps me out. She keeps on correcting me, saying that I can't do anything properly, I can't be descent when we're in public places. And then there's the parties...

When I go to a party, I really want to participate, I want to have fun, I want to meet people, I want to feel properly, I want to be able to enjoy myself. However, I just can't do it. When I roam around at some generic party, a drowning emotion hits me, and I seat myself in the corner, thinking about sad music and becoming quite sad.

My girlfriend talked to me about that as well. She told me that at a party, she'd like me to stop being a complete stupidity. She hates me at parties. Last time, she almost got together with this dude while I hang around in one of the rooms in the house the party was held.

It's not like I'm always that way. Whenever I'm not in a celebration, I wear a mask, being happy, I am happy with her, and she can laugh and all. It's just those get-togethers.

She thinks that we don't snuggle enough. She thinks I don't notice her when we are together, that I don't tell her I care about her, and that I only think about making love.

I don't know. I do what I can. I never yell at her. You can't tell whether she's right or not, you don't know us. But I am miserable. I hate that she always tells me why I am that a terrible person, that my parents do that. I'm almost kicked out of school because I've been so much away. I consider breaking up with her, because I hurt her all the time. It will only make me feel worse, but I don't see any solution to anything except cutting her off, locking the door, not seeing anybody, not my father, not anyone.

Simone knows about this. She doesn't dislike me because of the way I feel. We're fine normally. I try caring for her. It's worst when I am alone. The feeling is not very comfortable. I always feel that everyone tells me I'm terrible, but I never remember any examples.

I will keep myself alive.