Quote:
Originally Posted by MissCharlotte
It's weird. I have had these wonderful connected sessions lately and T has been such an awesome model of healthy parenting. I know I am so lucky to have this relationship.
This morning I found myself working through some intense feelings of alone-ness. I called T to let him know what I was feeling and asked if he would just leave me a return message letting me know he got my message. I didn't ask for a return call because I know how busy he is on Fridays and it truly wasn't an emergency.
When I left work and turned on my phone there was no message. 
I didn't know quite what to do. I was feeling very isolated all of a sudden. Then I realized it was my parent's 60th wedding anniversary. They are both gone now but I realized the genesis of these lonely feelings along with the content of yesterday's session. I called T again and told him what I remembered and that if he could simply call back this afternoon or tomorrow morning, it would mean a lot and give me something to hold onto, as I battle this loneliness.
But when I got in the house I turned off my phone so I wouldn't be anxiously awaiting for it to ring. I wanted to protect myself from the disappointment that accompanies a non response. About four hours later I turned the phone on and no message.
Sigh. No call back yet. |
What went through my mind reading this was, sometimes when I have that wonderful connection with T, I begin to fantasise a lot more about just-how-wonder-it-all-is and though the connectedness was real, the degree to how I react to it increases, perhaps because I am taking it all in so I can relive the times when I was alone, like you said you are feeling/felt and then when I turn to that wonderful connection again, reality hits, T is T and busy and not perfect..its what I made of it in my mind that I am still waiting for...I think this is all done so we can find the courage and reserve to face those age old dark feelings of aloness and abandonment....then we sink into the oppersite fantasise where we're not connected and fight desperately to get back to that wonderful place and somewhere inbetween is reality...sigh, its hard...