As some of you know, I had the court commissioner hearing Wednesday. My ex didn't get his way and the commissioner insisted he give my daughter her prescribed medication whether he likes it or not. She asked if he's even talked to the doctor about his concerns and he said no, but he would now. Not once in her entire life has he given a rat's behind about her welfare until the court steps in and makes him do something he doesn't want to do. Now he's going to make a fuss and call the doctor and give his "informed" medical opinion. I've already talked to the doctor extensively about this, asking if he believes she needs it, and he's said yes she does, without question.

It's not something my daughter doesn't want to do. She knows it helps; the doctor, her and I have talked about it together and she's had input. But her dad doesn't want her on it, so she gets headaches and stomachaches from the anxiety of taking it behind his back. She gets sick even when she's not taking it.

He asks her if she's been taking it. She said not this week. He never called to ask me why I didn't give it to her. He just pulls this sneaky b.s. and then says in court that I haven't been giving it to her. I can't stand to see my daughter torn up inside over it, so I decided to give her a break this week until the court stepped in.

She's this beautiful, sweet, sensitive little girl with the biggest heart, and I'm afraid he's going to crush her the same way he crushed me, and I can't stand to see it. I'm trying so hard to stand up to him and fight, and I keep hitting a wall.

Ive tried so hard to do it without help, and now that I have people to listen, everything is coming out in a flood and it's overwhelming to the point of being crippling. I keep falling almost asleep, and then it's like getting an electric shock that jolts me out of my relaxed state, like someone walked into a dark room and flipped a switch on without notice, only it's my brain that's getting turned on.

He knows when the kids aren't with me, the only thing I have is my job, and now he's e-mailed at 10:30 and demanded I return my work computer to him by 6:30 tonight. That doesn't give me enough time to even clean it out. I talked to a crisis hotline and was told I don't have to do anything on his schedule and need more time and we wrote him a note together that I will gladly return it, but not until Tuesday due to my work schedule. It's a computer he wants strictly for recreational purposes. I need it to earn a living. He paid for it, it's my son's, but he loaned it to me indefinitely last year when my other computer died. Now he wants it back with 20 hours notice.

I hate how he does this see-saw of being helpful and cooperative until someone crosses him or makes him feel belittled (like the commissioner did today) and then he lashes out and tries to manipulate me by putting a "please" and "thank you" around a message meant to knock me down.